Want to Listen?
So we’ve talked about the anxiety, the hormonal chaos, and the very real physical changes happening in your body during perimenopause. But there’s another layer to all of this that nobody really prepares you for: the identity shift.
And honestly? It can feel like an existential crisis.
You’ve Spent Your Whole Life Doing Things for Other People
When we’re kids, we don’t know how to take care of ourselves or how to behave in the world. So we look to our parents or other adults for guidance. What do they want me to do?
In your twenties, you might rebel against what you “should” do. But chances are, you’re still performing for someone—whether it’s culture, friends, social media, or your latest crush. You haven’t lived long enough yet to truly know what you want. Not really.
Then you hit your forties.
And suddenly, you’re exhausted. Exhausted from doing things for other people. Exhausted from performing. Exhausted from caring what everyone else thinks.
It might not be entirely conscious at first. But there’s this slow shift—you start caring less about external pressures and desires, and you turn inward. It’s messy. It’s confusing. It’s frustrating. And it can feel overwhelming.
If every day of your life has been dedicated to pleasing the world, and one day you wake up caring very little what “everyone” thinks about your outfit, your hair, your career, your cupcake recipe, your life choices—that can be incredibly liberating. But also? A lot to wrap your head around.
It can feel like you’re a different person. And that’s okay.
When You Stop Feeding the Outside, You Have to Feed the Inside
Once you realize you no longer need to perform for the outside world, you have to turn inward. Which means you have to decide what you want.
What do you actually like? What brings you joy? What kind of human do you want to be? Are you the same person you were? Do you miss your old self? Do you want a different new self?
These are big questions. And when your brain is already in sympathetic overdrive during perimenopause, this can feel like a full-blown crisis.
I think this is part of that midlife crisis trope—you wake up from autopilot one day, switch it back to manual, and realize you’ve been in a haze for decades. And you don’t like your life.
My Reckoning Was Handed to Me
Mine was forced. Trial by fire. Divorce will do that to you.
After you finish ugly-crying on the floor and clear out all the tissues, you have to make a bunch of decisions. Do I actually like this, or did they like this? Do I want to keep seeing these people? Do I like this food? Do I enjoy this music?
It’s an untangling of ego that I think is brilliantly displayed in Runaway Bride, when Julia Roberts’ character sits down to decide how she actually likes her eggs.
We all need a little Julia energy—and the perspective we have from all our years on this big rock spinning around the sun.
How to Start Figuring Out What You Actually Want
I know this part can be terrifying. Getting quiet with yourself? It used to give me anxiety too. You’re not alone. It might take a few tries.
Here’s what works for me:
Close your eyes, sit on the bed, and ask yourself a question. Then wait. What comes up? What stirs? Sometimes it takes more than one try to get an answer.
Go for a solo walk. Nothing in your earbuds. Just think.
Journal. This one’s gold. Ask yourself:
- What do I want my life to look like?
- What kind of relationships do I want?
- Who do I want to spend my time with?
- How do I want to spend my time?
- What brings me joy?
- What makes me unhappy?
There are no wrong answers here. Your opinion is the only one that matters for this exercise. Be honest. You don’t need to tell anyone else right now—but be honest with yourself.
My answers to these questions are very different now than they were two, five, or ten years ago.
This Is the Time to Let Go of the “Shoulds”
Drop the need for perfection. It has ruined many a woman’s life. Focus on your wants, your desires, what you want for your life.
This doesn’t mean you drop all your responsibilities and run away. It means you take the time to:
- Inventory: What’s actually in your life right now?
- Evaluate: What’s working? What’s not?
- Let go: Release what’s not serving you
- Lean in: Double down on what is
- Create: Build what’s missing
Daily Check-In: How Do You Feel Today?
This one’s simple but powerful.
Is it a high-energy, get-things-done, crush-your-workout kind of day? Or is it a low-energy, walk-or-yoga, move-some-things-around-because-you-need-rest kind of day?
Listen to that. Honor it.
The Beauty of Midlife
Here’s the thing: midlife gets a bad rap. But there’s something beautiful happening here.
You’re not losing yourself. You’re finding yourself. Maybe for the first time.
You’ve spent decades learning what the world expects from you. Now you get to decide what you expect from yourself. You get to shed the layers of performance and people-pleasing and perfectionism, and figure out who you are underneath all of that.
Is it scary? Yes. Is it messy? Absolutely. But it’s also powerful.
You have the wisdom now. You have the perspective. You’ve lived long enough to know what you don’t want. And now you get to build a life around what you do want.
That’s not a crisis. That’s freedom.
If you’re navigating perimenopause, anxiety, and the identity shifts that come with midlife—and you’re tired of being dismissed or handed vague advice—I get it. I’ve been there. And I’d love to help you find clarity, energy, and a way forward that actually works for your body and your life.
The Matrix Package gives you the lab interpretation, personalized strategy, and ongoing support to navigate this transition with confidence, not confusion.
👉 Get clear on what’s happening in YOUR body and create a plan that actually works. Grab your Matrix Package spot today!
Not ready to dive in? Book a free 15-minute call to ask questions and get clarity on your next steps.
