3: The Danger of Should

Hey, it’s Megan. Grab your coffee and let’s have a convo.

Have you ever finished a book or a podcast feeling simultaneously inspired and completely exhausted? Excited by all the possibilities, but paralyzed by a mountain of shoulds? Today, we’re going to talk about why this happens and more importantly, what to do about it.

Okay, the truth is I do this all the time. An expert shares their research. I get excited about life-changing results, better health, calmer mind, better sleep. I want all of it.

Then I sit down with this exciting information swimming in my head and suddenly I am exhausted. When am I supposed to fit in a 45 minute session at the sauna or a 10 minute ice bath, 29 minutes of red light therapy, an hour of meditation, plus my wind down routine, my workout, and my meal prep? When will I actually work?

A Client Story That Will Make You Feel Seen

Let me tell you about a client that I saw yesterday. She’s a teacher. She’s in her 50s and she told me her background, why she was sitting in front of me and she kept saying, this is my crazy story. I’m so sorry, I’m a mess.

She was apologizing for showing up to a session as she was. It was clear to see that she was tired, frustrated, not sleeping, anxious and blaming herself. She was berating herself for not being able to take on as much as she used to, for gaining weight, for being stressed out and exhausted and being crazy.

The biggest thing that seemed to be dragging her down in all of these shoulds was the should of working out. She used to, but now she was exhausted and didn’t have the energy. She wasn’t sleeping and was completely wiped out, crashing at 7:30 p.m. every night. And no matter what, she couldn’t make herself work out, even though she knew that her weight gain was related to this and she would be able to work out to address it.

That doesn’t sound like a moral failing to me. That’s how she saw it. It sounds like her body has changed. She’s not getting the support that she needs and we need to reset expectations about what is possible for her in this moment.

Believe me when I say to you what I said to her: You are not crazy or losing your mind. You are not broken and you are not alone. This is perimenopause and it happens to everyone who is born with a uterus.

She told me that if I said nothing else and these five minutes were all she got, it would be the best five minutes of her life because I’d known her for only five minutes and already had her down to a T. She wanted to cry because she was feeling like she was losing her mind and what I said made her feel so much better. She felt seen.

She felt seen. Isn’t this what we all want at the end of the day? To be seen. I wish I could have reached through the screen and given her a hug. Well today, I’m going to give you a hug because you probably need one. I need one. So please and thank you.

Quick pause: if what you’re hearing right now is resonating with you, would you take 10 seconds to hit subscribe and follow? It helps other women who are feeling exactly like this find the show and I would be incredibly grateful.

Giving Her Permission to NOT Work Out

She thought she was losing her mind, couldn’t get her act together, and was at the end of her rope. So we started where she felt she wanted to put her energy, into eating to feel better. Then we addressed some of the big drains, and the working out was really a sticking point for her. She felt like there was some sort of failure on her part for not being able to make herself work out when she was exhausted and crashing at 7:30. The connection between not working out and weight gain was really sticking for her and she just dug into that narrative.

I told her she wasn’t allowed to work out for the next six weeks. She could walk, she could have sex. She needed that permission because the stress of the should workout was crushing her. It was pulling from her bandwidth.

The guilt was not helping her feel less overwhelmed or less fatigued. It was creating an internal dialogue that was pulling her down because she knows that she should work out if she is unhappy about her weight. She should do a lot of things.

This doesn’t mean I don’t want her to work out or that movement isn’t a very important part of the picture. We aren’t tabling that for good. We are tabling it for right now. It is not serving her to be feeling stressed out and guilty about the workout she should be doing but is too exhausted to complete.

What Does “Should” Actually Mean?

According to Webster’s Dictionary, “should” expresses obligation or duty, probability or expectation, and condition or contingency. Think about that for a second. Every time your brain hears should—out loud or in your head—it’s creating an obligation or an expectation.

Should-ing is exhausting, it’s draining, and it’s especially unhelpful for you, my stressed perimenopause friend.

The Problem with Open Loops

So what exactly is the issue with should? Beyond the cultural expectations that are placed on women, it creates what some researchers call an open loop. What does that mean?

Here’s what I mean: When you put something in the should category, you’re creating a mental to-do that never gets checked off. Your brain constantly tries to complete this task, but if you don’t realistically have the bandwidth to move it into action, you get stuck in an endless cycle: should, not done, repeat. Should, not done, repeat.

Sound familiar? That’s rumination. Your old pal who visits every night.

Picture this: You get into bed, ready to sleep because you are truly exhausted. Your head hits the pillow and suddenly your brain, which two seconds ago was completely quiet, kicks into high gear. It starts replaying your to-do list. The things you said that you wish you hadn’t. All those things you should be doing.

Those unclosed loops—they’re now keeping you awake. You’re ruminating, which is stressing you out. And despite being exhausted, you can’t fall asleep. It’s a vicious cycle.

There’s a lot of research on stress and rumination, and I’ll put some links to studies in the show notes.

Two Tools to Close Those Loops

So what does one do? First, one of my favorite tools: the worry journal or the good old fashioned post-it note. This can be done several ways. If it makes sense for you, pick what fits best for your schedule. This is not to become another should on your list.

The Worry Journal: You can schedule a time anytime during the day that you have a dedicated five to 10 minutes for worrying. Set a timer, get out your trusty journal and stream of consciousness go to town. This can be extremely helpful if you’re a chronic worrier. I like to have people schedule this on their calendar or make it part of another routine when they’re spending a lot of time worrying.

What is this doing? It’s helping to close the open loops in your brain. The thing may not be done, but you have addressed it. You put it on paper and are taking away some of the intensity that your brain might feel it needs to put towards closing that loop.

Post-it Notes: I love these bad boys. Post-it notes. This is my personal tool because I’m not in a phase of life where I’m constantly worrying and ruminating at night. This is more of a spot treatment, if you will.

I keep a pen and a post-it note on my bedside table. If anything pops into my head, I grab the post-it note and write it down. I don’t even turn on the light. I write the minimal amount of words so I remember in the morning and then I go back to sleep.

Many times I get up and I throw these out because I don’t need them and they aren’t actually important. But they were extremely important to get out of my head so I could go to sleep the night before.

I’ve been using this for years and I remember at the height of my anxiety waking up with half a stack of post-it notes written on my nightstand with things like “brush my teeth.” I was never gonna forget to brush my teeth, but in that moment at 3 a.m. with my mind racing, writing it down was what helped.

Where Shoulds Come From

So back to our shoulds. To me, a should is something that you or someone else wants you to do, but it’s not moving into your action category because you don’t want to, you don’t have time, you don’t have the bandwidth, or it’s actually not that important.

I find that women I work with are more likely to move shoulds into the action category when they are created for their kids, for their parents, their partner, their spouse, their community, or work. So where does it fall off? For themselves.

I know that most of you would sacrifice most of yourselves for the people you love and some of you for work. We really need to chat about that one. But this leads to burnout, and then you have nothing to give anyone.

Burnout is described by Dr. K as the many obligations that you didn’t choose. The lack of control over your time and energy is the issue. Difficulty isn’t the problem—it’s who put that obligation or activity on you. This is like death by a thousand paper cuts, right? Your week is chock full, overflowing with things that you have to do, places that you have to be, things that you have to make, and if you personally didn’t pick any of these, burnout is simmering, my friend.

The Reframe: From Should to Consideration

You can hear something that is a great idea. It may even be backed by science and data. But just because it may be a great idea, a useful idea, doesn’t mean it’s great or useful for you.

So what can we do here? I like to propose a reframe and create a time for consideration. The thing you are considering is not decided. It’s not a to-do in your brain because you are not labeling it as a should. You are simply showing interest. You’re curious. You are considering.

You can stay in this stage for as long as you want, taking in information, learning, considering. There is not an expected action here. There should be no shoulds. There are no shoulds.

Let’s think about this. Let’s say you’re tired all the time. Then you listen to me wax poetically about the importance of sleep, the benefits from a health perspective, longevity, stress, all the things. Then you decide that you should work on your sleep.

It is clearly important. You are tired all the time. This is definitely what you should do. But what your brain doesn’t consider while constructing this should is whether or not this is the time to focus on your sleep. Perhaps you have a toddler or are in the middle of a work transition. Perhaps your stress is through the roof on a project. Maybe you just adopted a puppy.

Regardless, now may not be the time to address your sleep. It doesn’t mean that sleep isn’t important or that getting more better sleep won’t benefit you. But the minute that you place a should on yourself, when you do not have the bandwidth or capacity, you are adding an unnecessary stress to your life. You’re opening a loop and creating a to-do for your brain.

As a woman in midlife, you do not need any more shoulds on your plate.

So if this is not the time, stick it in the consideration category. Save the episode. Make a future interest list. Create an email folder and send yourself articles, books, or things that you are curious about exploring. But do not turn this interest into a should.

When You’re Ready: Do, Don’t Try

But what if you are ready to take action? You have the time and energy and you’re jazzed. I don’t want you to try to do anything. Like Yoda says, do or do not.

Helen Langer’s research shows that we perform better when we do rather than try. What does that mean? That means you DO, my friend.

If you want to work on your sleep, you DO get blackout curtains, or you purchase and use an eye mask. You DO set a bedtime, and you DO go to bed. You DO keep your room cool and dark. You DO all of the things that you have deemed important for this consideration that you have now moved into action.

If you tell yourself you’re going to try, you’re not setting yourself up for success. Do or do not.

Your Turn: Audit Your Shoulds

Okay, so right now, play along with me. I want you to think of one thing you should do that you don’t actually want to do. I’m sure you didn’t have to search too far.

Are you feeling guilty thinking about it? Is it taking up far too much real estate in your head? Let’s find a way to get rid of it. Can it be delegated? Can you hire someone to do it? Can you delete it altogether? Or can you move it back into the consideration category, taking the pressure off for now?

Now think of one thing that you should do, that you actually want to do, but you haven’t moved it into the action category because perhaps you’ve prioritized other people’s needs above your own.

Now this is important. This can be big. This can be challenging. This can be hard. But the most important thing here is that you want to do it. You move it into action because you want to.

We want to change the ratio of obligations to include things that you want to do, that you choose to do when you are controlling your time. We’re pulling back from burnout.

What I Want You to Remember

So here’s what I want you to take away from today: You’re not failing because you can’t do all the things. You’re human. You’re in perimenopause and your bandwidth is real and limited.

The shoulds you’re carrying—many of them aren’t even yours. They’re cultural expectation, internalized pressure, or obligations you never actually chose. And they’re stealing your energy from the things that truly matter.

So here’s your permission slip: You don’t have to do it all. You get to choose what moves from consideration into action. You get to protect your bandwidth. And you get to prioritize what you want, not just what everyone else needs from you.

If you’re sitting here thinking, “Okay, but I do want to understand what’s happening in my body and I do want to feel better. I just don’t know where to start”—I’ve got you.

I created the Perimenopause Decoder specifically for women like you who are tired of being confused and dismissed. It helps you understand what’s actually happening in your body during perimenopause so you can make decisions from a place of clarity, not chaos.

You can download it for free in the show notes below. It’s not going to add to your should list. I promise. If it is, then put it in your consideration category and send yourself an email with the link and you can deal with it later. It’s just going to help you make sense of what’s going on.

You’re not crazy, you’re not broken, and you are definitely not alone. And you absolutely deserve to feel like yourself again.

I’ll talk to you next Wednesday.

One More Thing

Can you do me a favor? If this was helpful, share it with one person who might need to hear it today. Our bodies didn’t come with a user manual and this perimenopause thing can feel confusing and lonely, but you’re not alone. You’re not crazy and you’re definitely not broken. And maybe someone in your life needs that reminder too. Let’s spread the word and be kind to each other and ourselves.

Now the legal bit: I’m a nutritionist, but I’m not your nutritionist. This podcast is for information and education only. No client relationship was formed. Always seek medical advice when necessary.

I’ll see you next Wednesday morning.