The Benefits of Burnout
In college, I burned out every semester (I didn’t know it had a name then). My mom had to come and pile me into a car, shove a pillow between my head and the window, and drive me home. She was a saint!
So many things in my life have started as the worst and ended up being the best. It reminds me of a Buddhist parable about a man and a horse and his son. In the story his neighbors attribute everything that happens as “good” or “bad” and the farmer always responds “Who knows, maybe”. The point of the story is that nothing is good or bad; we perceive things as one way or the other but they are neither. We can decide how to experience an event.
I thought that my gluten allergy was the worst thing in the world. My experience was horrible. I had to learn to cook and to eat differently. There were no gluten-free options at the grocery store or restaurants in 2012. I had to look for things online but it was a huge turning point in my health and part of the reason I went to grad school. Going through a divorce, growing candida, attending grad school and residency. All stressful and challenging things but the learnings were exceptional.
Life is always teaching you hard but useful lessons if you are willing to listen.
So back to burnout. It was a struggle. I couldn’t get out of bed. I couldn’t walk more than 3,000 steps in a day. I couldn’t take a full day of clients. I couldn’t do any focused mental work (like writing an article) for the first few weeks. I laid in bed and rested for a stupid amount of time. It was so challenging for me that my brother suggested taking edibles that make me sleep during the day to get my brain and body to be still.
It was not fun. There were tears, doom spirals, and sobbing phone calls.
I worked with 2 wonderful practitioners who both in a very kind, but a little tough love way said to calm the eff down. They both suggested different adrenal and stress support, less doing, more resting, and rules around resting - no laying in bed and reading nutrition books or taking courses. I had to stop running and doing anything that spiked my cortisol for an extended period.
Am I back to my physical peak where I was in September 2023? Absolutely not. I can exercise regularly, get my heart rate going a bit, and be back in the gym. I can make it through days without naps.
What did I learn?
No one, absolutely no one on earth, knows your body better than you do.
My practitioner gave me some guidelines and I learned very quickly that they were too much for where I was. And I decided this time to listen to my body. It was worth it and now I think of all the time I wasted thinking other people knew better than me. They didn’t. They don’t. Trust yourself.
As a person who has been stressed out since they were 7 (stress dreams and angst about my family dying), I can say that it is possible to learn to live out of fight or flight but it is a lot of work.
This is the calmest my body has ever felt in my entire life. I used to be constantly vibrating with “energy”. If that energy was not actively applied to something, it devolved into anxiety and worry. I could direct it towards “thinking” to make it somewhat productive but ultimately it was just exhausting.
Support Matters
I have an incredible partner who made my recovery possible. I would never have been able to take this time, though I should have when I was married. I can’t imagine this conversation with my ex-husband.
“I am not participating in life for the next few weeks.”
“OK cool.”
“That means I need you to do everything I normally do…”
“Oh, not cool.”
Freddie took on both our roles at home and allowed me to truly not participate in life. I am grateful that I am freelance and have control over my schedule to take the time. I am beyond grateful that Freddie didn’t bat an eyelash at my requests and did more than I asked because he knew I needed the help. The ebb and flow of our partnership has been one of the most exciting things to come from our relationship (and would never have been possible without my divorce... which at the time I thought was terrible but now not so much). It is something that I fantasized about for years - give and take that didn’t need to be discussed, that just happened. Both people aware of the other’s needs and stepping in to help without being told. Of course, conversations happen but never once have I gotten to a place of overwhelm and tears because I am so bogged down needing help at home.
Your Timeline is Irrelevant
You may want to be back at the gym next week but if your body isn’t ready, there is nothing you can do to speed up the process. It takes as long as it takes. I feel like there is some epic rising from the ashes story that uses that line. Perhaps a heroine tasked with the fate of a kingdom and a sword is involved… But I digress.
Bottom line, do I recommend burnout for the learnings? No, avoid burnout as much as you can. If you get there, is all lost? No, and you can choose to experience it in a way that promotes learning and growth. It is hard. There will be tears but how many truly challenging or useful experiences don’t include a few?
