Let’s Talk About $.E.X. Baby!

Oct 25

I remember when Salt-N-Pepa’s song came out - it was so outrageous and exciting! I loved it so much because no one talked about sex. I grew up in the American South, the land of abstinence, sweet tea, and slut shaming. We weren’t religious growing up. Purity and virginity were not something my parents talked about, but you can’t avoid culture or high school. The gossip around sexually active vulva owners spread like wildfire, and the mom network gossip was brutal - they would take you and your daughter down without a second thought if you colored outside their lines.

All of that led to a lot of guilt and shame around sex as I grew up. I can’t imagine what it would have been like if I had grown up in a more conservative community. There was a lot of incorrect information and fear-mongering to keep vulva owners from getting pregnant in high school. Those narratives stick. It made sex as I got older complicated. There was a rebellious side of me that was angry and thought it was wrong to scare people about sex and teach them that it was dirty or immoral. Still, those thoughts and narratives lingered. I’m not alone in this experience. Many vulva owners (and a fair amount of penis owners) grew up with sex narratives wrapped in guilt and shame that have shaped their adult sex lives.

So what does one do in their 40s when they realize they want to have good sex but have enough emotional baggage around it to fill the trunk of a Subaru? You have to throw out the baggage. This journey started for me in my mid-thirties as my marriage was breaking down. We had a lot of issues, but the lack of sex life was a big one. I was put on birth control at 14 for terrible cramps, and as a side effect, I never had a sex drive. It was a big issue, and I saw countless OBGYNs, therapists, counselors, a physical therapist, and a sex therapist. No one ever figured this out until I was working with a nutrition counselor who very gently said “Did you know birth control can cause a low libido?” 🤯🤯🤯 I was convinced I was broken. I read book after book about sex, desire, and physiology, most notably Come as You Are by Emily Nagoski - I was so discouraged I stopped reading. I never had a libido, so how could I lose one? This one sentence from my nutrition counselor changed my life. I stopped taking birth control, and for the first time in my life I had a sex drive; it was incredible. But then all of the baggage showed up - guilt, shame, false narratives.

It was a real pickle, but I was determined. I did NOT want to spend the rest of my life feeling ashamed of my body and not enjoying sex. I started talking about it a lot. All of the friends who I thought were lying to me for YEARS about orgasms and desire all welcomed me into the fold and listened to my story. They had suggestions, advice, and their own stories to share. I journaled. I read. I listened and watched as much as I could. I took a sex magic course that included emotional clearing. That was a big release and game-changer. Sitting in a circle with 12 people all weeping through the emotional release of collective shame around sex is pretty life-changing. Still, the thing that moved the needle the most was finding a partner who openly communicated about sex. They told me my body was beautiful, not gross. They said what I wanted mattered. They asked how things went after sex in a casual conversational way that was truly open for feedback. That emboldened me to ask how things went. It was uncomfortable and awkward but also empowering. I never participated in a two-way conversation about sex before.

So why does this matter and what does it have to do with health? Even though we may be uncomfortable talking about it, sex is a really important part of many people’s lives and relationships. There is research dating back to the 1960s from Masters and Johnsons (You watched Masters of Sex right??) about the importance of sex to humans. More recent research looking at over 3,000 participants between 57 and 85 years of age showed a positive relationship between sexual health and decreased risk of CVD. For men, having partnered sex and more sexual activity lowered their odds of cardiovascular events. For women, having pleasurable sex and feeling emotionally satisfied was correlated with lower levels of cardiovascular events. There is a lot to unpack in this study about self-reporting between men and women, cultural expectations, and how that influences results but that’s for another time. I don’t think most of us need a study to know that people in our lives who are connected with another person and satisfied tend to be healthier. Chronic stress is related to lower sexual desire, especially in women. But you know that already. Solo sex, partnered sex, and orgasms are good for your health!! So for your health, to lower your stress levels and decrease your risk of cardiovascular events, consider exploring the possibility of sex (any kind you like😉) as a part of your wellness routine.

*I love the vocabulary that Dr. Emily Morse is bringing to the space. I’m using her terms vulva owner, penis owner and solo sex because they are inclusive and much less charged than other words.

**This article does not explore or discuss the role of sexual trauma in relation to sexual health. This article was created to look at the general relationship between sex and health but we understand that trauma and past life experiences are unique to individuals. If you are in the state of New York and need support for trauma please email us here for recommended practitioners.